Green grass can be taken as two things; the first thing being the plant that’s warm and comfortable on a summers day, the second being the green grass that’s unattainable, like in the expression; ‘the grass is always greener’. This grass is one of my biggest problems right now and I can’t help but constantly dream about the greener grass that’s just on the other side of the tallest mountain in the world.
Why does it cause us so much hassle? And why do we constantly strive for something better? To be honest, I don’t really have an answer to these questions (though I wish I did) but I have my own theories on the topic.
First of all, as I’m sure everyone is aware of, humans naturally are envious and want something that isn’t theirs, hence us striving towards the greener grass. It’s a horrible thing to think and to admit to but it’s a natural instinct for us, and we can’t ignore it. I’ve always been quite an envious person and through experiences and learning, I’ve managed to control my jealousy. In recent years, I’ve noticed that I tend not to be jealous, but I do feel like there’s something better on the other side that I’m not achieving.
After doing a bit of research, this is apparently a typical 20-something year old thing to do – so I’m a little reassured. Most of us know what we can do but we don’t really have the means to get there. Plus, especially in this day and age, we see all the opportunities that other people are experiencing and we wonder why we can’t do that or how impossible it is to get there.
This can lead to a feeling of being a bit lost; which is what I’m going through at the moment. I feel like whatever I do doesn’t really challenge me, and this really affected me this year living in a new country. I felt so lucky and grateful to even have the chance to come to the country of my dreams and meet fantastic people but yet inside I felt a little lost and unsure of where it was all leading. Of course, I had an incredible time and I can’t say this took over my entire life during my year abroad, but towards the end I felt lost and didn’t really understand my direction.
It’s a difficult thing to go through and I see some of my friends struggling as much as me, which is also hard. It’s hard to put in to words how it feels and to even give advice to friends when you know that nothing will really shake this feeling until something comes along later in life.
I (think) I have discovered the reason for feeling the way I do the past year and after conversations with one of my beautiful friends, I feel a lot clearer, so to speak. My ‘problem’ is that I don’t really have a passion. There are people all around me who put all their time and effort in to this one thing they love and it pays off. I have tried to put all my effort in to so many things, thing which I completely love doing and am glad I’ve found, like learning languages, photography, calligraphy, blogging and I even went through a period of putting my life in to fitness. However, I feel like none of them make me entirely happy and really fulfil me (the spelling of fulfil really confused me there, I didn’t know it only had one ‘l’!)
Anyway, after trying to deal with the fact that I may never find my passion, a few things have helped me and I want to share these if someone similar feels the same way as me:
First of all, this article is incredibly insightful and beautifully written. After my friend sent me it, I almost was in shock at how every single sentence related to how I feel and how it put my feelings in to another perspective. Please read this if you feel lost and unsure of where you’re going.
Second of all, the following wonderful quote (from possibly my favourite book ever, The Humans by Matt Haig) has helped me refocus on what I’m doing and given me a better understanding of me and perhaps that not having a passion is a great thing.
“You don’t have to be anything. Don’t force it. Feel your way and don’t stop feeling your way until something fits. Maybe nothing will. Maybe you are a road, not a destination. That is fine. Be a road. But make sure it’s one with something to look at out of the window.”
Also, Casey Neistat on Youtube started his vlogs a few months ago and has helped me realise that working is important; and that includes working in the crappest job you have to do, in order to get closer to a dream. He is a real-life example of a man who was well under the poverty line and who now lives in NYC and is a very famous film maker, a man who is living the ultimate dream.
Anyway, I just wanted to document how I’m feeling at the moment, hopefully helping some 20 year old like me who feels lost. I think it’s an important thing to share these feelings and I’m grateful I’m able to do that, hopefully reaching someone who needs it.
This is part of a new series of mine. I will be talking about a subject from A-Z twice a week.
L: Leaving Aix