I don’t really even know where to begin writing this post, but I suppose it begins with saying that I don’t know where to begin. Ironic.

I feel like a little part of me knows I can be successful. Then I question that. Can I be successful? Do I have the right qualities?

I look at my life, and I compare it to others. Of course I compare it to Bill Gates, Obama etc. but I compare it more to people that are in my life every day; someone I see driving a really nice car, and the vloggers that I watch on Youtube.

They all seem to have worked really hard, or are working really hard. Is it wrong for me to not want to work until my fingers are numb but still be successful?

I watch Casey Neistat almost every single day, and if I miss a day, I’ll always catch up on his videos. He constantly talks about how in order to be successful, you have to have a certain kind of background, one that involves you doing something very shitty, something that you hate, and that’s what pushes you towards success. (He doesn’t necessarily explicitly state this, but that’s what he’s really saying)

Every single video of his that I watch, I feel worse about my life. It’s the same with other vloggers like Fun For Louis or Ben Brown. I watch them do all these incredible things, and always be outside doing things, and I feel guilty for lying in bed watching their videos.

My day consists a lot of me just sitting around doing nothing of any importance and just getting on with my life. And that makes me sad.

I like to read, and that passion has only come back recently. My knowledge about culture and the world grows almost every day where I learn something new but there are still much smarter people around me. I feel like everyone is always one step ahead of me, and I’m never going to catch up.

My biggest fear is living a mundane, boring life. I would hate to end up in some crap job that I detest going to every day. And yet it’s drilled in to me by everyone around me that you need to do that kind of job in order to do what you want to do in the future. That then brings the follow up question of wether or not I’m setting myself up for that to happen by rejecting working hard.

If all my questions are true, what’s the point in even being here? There will constantly be something better in the future, meaning I will never be satisfied fully with my life. I’ll always know what I could have maybe done and how not doing that affected where I’ll be. I’ll think back on this time and see how much time I wasted lying in my bed, feeling shitty about myself and how I’d love to change that time. Yet, I bet if I could turn back time, I’d feel equally overwhelmed and lie in bed all day because I don’t want to face reality all over again.

What I started out this post writing about was how to be successful. Now I’m questioning what success is and that even if I achieve success, will I be happy? I guess a more relevant question would be how I be happy with what I have. Not just happy, but true happiness. I want to be the kind of happy that wakes up and embraces every second of every day.

Right now, I feel like I’m just drifting. My degree isn’t overly demanding, I don’t have a job, I don’t have any real responsibilities. I’m just kind of waking up without any plan, not doing much, crawling back in to bed and putting myself into an alternative reality through reading or watching a film or a Youtube video.

How dreadful is that?

That’s such a shit realisation. And I know I’m happy at certain points through out the day, or when I’m with friends etc etc etc blah blah blah

But at the end of the day, my life involves me trying to escape from reality. The reality is that I’m not special enough to be successful and live life the way I want to live it.

It hurts.


 

“My own brain is to me the most unaccountable of machinery – always buzzing, humming, soaring roaring diving, and then buried in mud. And why? What’s this passion for?” – Virginia Woolf