Well, it’s been a little while… I’ve started a new job and university work is piling up so I’ve been a tad busy. Trying to earn money, earn a degree, earn a fit body, and maintain a social life is HARD (even if I do end up Netflixing for 3 hours an evening because I’m so god damn tired and can’t face anything else).
Anyway, lets get right in to it.
I’m terrified of growing up and the future. I’m 21 right now and the thought of being 31, or 61, completely fills me with dread. This isn’t necessarily for vain reasons, or for any sane reasons (since I know I have no control over the future) but the fear is there, lurking in my brain all day just to fill me with dread at 01:07 when I’m supposed to be asleep.
There’s so much I want to do. And there’s so many options ahead of me.
Neither of those things are a bad thing: I have ambitions, and I have the ability to fulfil these. However, I’m more scared of waking up in twenty years and realising I’ve done nothing I wanted to do because I’ve made a wrong choice somewhere down the line, or I’ve not worked hard enough to earn enough to be able to fulfil my goals.
Right now, I’m trying to figure out what I want to do with my summer. In reality, I have hundreds of options; some that are perfect, some that are not. I’m applying to lots of positions and I’m getting great feedback (I was offered an internship in Barcelona that I had to turn down due to finance) but I can’t seem to just bite the bullet on any of these things.
There’s always a reason not to do things, right? I don’t have enough money, what if I’m lonely, what if I hate it and I’ve given up so much for it, I’m not a strong enough person… But, I realise that I let these reasons get me down too much. So, I’ve made a decision. I want to be in France this summer (for numerous reasons; keep improving my language, keep making world connections, embrace the culture even more etc etc etc) and therefore, if I don’t manage to secure a job before I go, I’m going to go anyway. I’m going to book a flight to a city in France, and I will find a job and flat whilst I’m there.
(Mum if you’re reading this, I’m sorry)
Of course, all of the above mentioned reasons not to do something scare me. A lot. But I can’t stop doing things I want to do just because there are reasons not to do it.
This is something I’m going to keep in mind for the future. This summer might fail, but I have to fail in order to learn. In actual fact, this summer could be a complete success, and I could have a great time and earn some money whilst doing it! Either way, fail or success, I’m gaining something valuable.
The future scares me because for every day, month and year left that I have, I will be making decisions like this. I will be plunging myself in to everything I do in order to avoid a mundane, office-job life.
The future scares me because I might fail in carrying out this goal. There might come a time when I’m completely out of money and I have to go home and work an office job in order to pay back my parents for bailing me out and buying me a plane ticket back to Scotland.
The future scares me because I might get comfortable in this job and stay there for a few years.
The future scares me because I might meet someone who I really like and decide to give up my goals for them.
The future scares me because I want to explore and do lots of amazing things but there’s always a voice in the back of my head that tells me I can’t because something bad will come out of it. What if this takes over my thought process?
So, dear future Jenny; continue to be selfish and DON’T get comfortable. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable and continue to say fuck it.
I hope you make the wrong and right choices and you turn out to be a good person.
I hope you read back on this post and don’t think of me as some overly-naïve, joy-filled 21 year old and as a person who just wants a great life herself.
I hope you read back on this post and have no regrets for where you’ve taken yourself in life.
Life is the sum of all your choices